A Coaching Power Tool By Heather Madden, Mindset Coach, UNITED KINGDOM
The Inner vs. Outer Power Tool
Much of this power tool is based on an interview I did with Tugba Kirhan, Programme Facilitator at Embercombe, a beautiful 50-acre rewilding estate on the edge of Dartmoor National Park in Devon, England. Here they run the Twin Trail program which guides people to find deeper connections with themselves, the natural world, and others.
I like to think of us in layers. Our deepest layer is formed from the place where we were born, our family, and the environment we grew up in, and forms our beliefs, values, and patterns of behavior. It is difficult to connect to who we truly are and heal trauma and old wounds, in some cases that have passed through generations. Having a spiritual practice and doing “inner work” can help us to start on this journey.
There is a pull between our inner world and external success, achieving, doing a good job, adding value, getting value, and following a path that we think people want us to follow. How do we find a balance between doing the inner work and using that learning to take external action?
Right now there is a lot of burnout in the corporate world, people are leaving jobs, and they are feeling stuck, disillusioned, and disengaged. They have started to disconnect from their work which in turn makes them deeply unsettled and unhappy. Often it’s because “they want their lives to be an expression of something real and in service to others” (Embercombe founder, Mac Macartney). How can we guide people to follow a path that is truly connected to their gift?
We censor ourselves in relation to talking about our feelings, emotions, and other inner experiences, which can often disparagingly be referred to as ‘touchy-feely stuff’ or ‘hippy shit’. What can we do to make “inner work” more accessible to people and bring people back to their spirituality?
Nurturing the inner self allows us to take external action. Taking too much external action and focusing on our self-worth coming from this external action means we lose touch with our own essence, who we are, and our creative spiritual selves. What do we mean by spirituality? Courageous radical acceptance of self and others and then, from this open-hearted place, we can respond. Putting our whole selves into something, whilst also protecting our inner self and staying true to who we really are and what we stand for.
For so long I was focused on the outer world. On a smaller scale through yoga, breathwork, and journaling, I had started to focus on my inner world. I think I am now at the next stage of that, deeply aligning with myself and who I am. Everything I have done until now is exactly for a reason, building my skills, learning, growing a network, and making lots of friends. It wasn’t about a major career change but shifting my focus to something new. My inner work over the last 20 years has come from a combination of design, movement, coaching, writing, creating, problem-solving, facilitating, and breathing, with a clear purpose, meaning, and joy.
I want to support, help, and partner with people to do the inner work – this is the new layer that I’m adding on top of my existing experience. This is now done more consciously.
The biggest obstacle to change is trying to change. By focusing on your inner being, how you view the problem and more importantly the huge opportunity standing in front of them will change.
Inner vs. Outer
Inner Work
We have this notion that if we just do this one thing, then we will achieve complete happiness and satisfaction. We find it hard to be present and not chase the next thing. The layers need care, compassion, and tenderness with self. Our layers are made up of our body, spirit, mind, emotions, feelings, health, values and beliefs, family and background, ancestors, friendships, and work. The layers are like a connective tissue, the framework and structure for who we are.
Inner work is a lifelong journey. We need to keep filling our cups on a daily basis. Connection is fuel. We are happy when we are in the reciprocity of receiving and giving.
Inner work involves finding balance, leaning in and leaning back, receiving and seeking, inner work to take external action, responding not reacting, working and playing, fun versus purpose, planning ahead, or just being in the moment. A lack of balance creates tension, judgment, anxiety, unease, and unhappiness. Tensing our muscles and telling ourselves “We can’t”.
We develop a protective layer, vulnerability lies underneath, and our essence lies beneath that. We can easily lose contact with our essence. Maintaining curiosity with oneself to enhance self-awareness is the secret sauce to developing a clearer understanding of our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
We can only be in full reciprocity when we are connected to self, and practicing self-care and self-love.
When we have a healthy inner world, we:
- Embrace self-love and release the need for external approval.
- Define success by growth, kindness, and continuous learning.
- Focus on our journey, support others’ triumphs, and find inspiration from them.
- Be present, connect with others, and honor our priorities.
- Prioritise self-care, set boundaries, and manage our time for calmness, productivity, and inner peace.
- Embrace the present, learn from the past, and manage our emotions for a mainly positive outlook.
Outer Work or External Action
The meeting marathons, project outputs, and endless reports – they build a façade of accomplishment. But beneath the surface, our creativity withers, innovation stalls, and even productivity suffers. This relentless focus on “outer work” isn’t just unsustainable, it’s self-defeating.
Our relentless pursuit of external results often leaves us so consumed, that we overlook the importance of inner work, the very foundation that enables those results. Lost in the frenzy of “doing,” we forget the stillness that fuels achievement. Societal scripts tell us success requires tireless work and constant action, but doing isn’t the only ingredient. Focusing solely on “doing” without inner work leads to burnout and hinders the very success we seek.
While achieving external success offers visible proof of our efforts and facilitates the fulfillment of basic needs, it’s crucial to remember that true fulfillment often stems from a deeper alignment between our inner aspirations and the impact we create in the world.
Inner light = outer shine
When we prioritize inner peace and self-compassion, it radiates outward and positively impacts our interactions with others.
We need to embrace both our inner and outer worlds of success. By approaching life this way, we can build a bridge between our inner self and our outer self and with this bridge allow a dynamic back-and-forth flow. What we are trying to do is value both inner and outer while creating alignment between the two.
If one has lots of external success, we should bring attention to what’s happening on the inside and what it means to feel successful and aligned internally. If one has a healthy and successful inner life, how might we bring attention and form to something new? How might we allow that inner expression in the outer world?
When we are too focused on our external world we are often:
- Confusing external validation with self-worth.
- Defining success solely by external achievements.
- Feeling like we constantly need to prove ourselves.
- Engaging in harmful comparisons with others.
- Losing touch with our authentic self and desires.
- Experiencing stress, overwhelm, and burnout.
- Living in a cycle of anxiety, regret, and negativity.
Questions to help the client focus on their inner being
Questions that explore dissatisfaction with external pursuits:
- What are the deeper needs not being met by external validation?
- Does X truly reflect your values and inner fulfillment?
- What goals might you set for inner development?
- What are you achieving outwardly, but feeling isn’t bringing you the fulfillment you desire?
- Despite your successes, do you ever feel a sense of emptiness or something missing?
- How do you measure your own success, beyond external validation or achievements?
Questions to encourage introspection:
- I’m hearing a lot about your external world, what does the inner self need right now?
- How can you shift your focus to your inner needs?
- How might you nourish your inner needs?
- When you quiet the external noise, what inner voice or feeling emerges?
- If you could set aside external pressures, what would you truly love to spend time and energy on?
- What values are most important to you, and are your current actions aligned with those values?
Questions that explore emotional needs:
- What emotions do you experience most frequently in your daily life?
- What brings you joy, peace, or a sense of fulfillment, regardless of external outcomes?
- If you could prioritize your emotional well-being, what would that look like for you?
Questions that connect inner needs to action:
- How are you caring for yourself in this situation?
- What might a drop of self-love look like?
- If you were to prioritize your inner needs, how might it influence your external decisions or actions?
- What small changes can you make in your daily life to prioritize your inner well-being?
- What support do you need to feel empowered to connect with and prioritize your inner needs?
As Dionne Warwick once sang “make it easy on yourself”.
References
Robichaux, A (2021), What is Inner Work? It’s the key to being a better leader.
Doerkson-Castro, S (2022), Why Both Inner & Outer Success Matter.
Posing, S (2020), Living Your Life From The Inside Out.
