Get Ready to Flip

The significance we give to the happy events in our life is empowering. We relive the moment so we can hang on to the joyful feelings. However, when we give this same significance to life’s hurtful or disappointing events, there is no lightness – it feels heavy, burdensome and draining.

Significance shows up most often when we are attached to a particular outcome and can only see one possible pathway and allow no flexibility within that. We can also become significant when we bring our baggage to a situation. We carry it around, weighing ourselves down with beliefs, notions and learned behaviours.

Having a light approach to life does not mean you don’t care, or are unable to recognise serious situations, it is more about being free from the past whilst walking into your present. Imagine carrying around an old, heavy suitcase of life. When you open it, you see hurt feelings, betrayals and failures. Do you want to drag it around for the rest of your life? What if you approached each situation and new and different context, and took on a perspective of curiosity, and even play.

Sometimes there is joyful relief in pointing the finger at others: a poor cousin to the ‘to-do’ list, the blame list is easy to populate.

But we forgo a lot when we blame others. When we say “it’s their fault” what we are really saying is “it’s in their control” and when we say that we are giving up all agency or power over our own lives. It is very hard to change something if you perceive you have no control over it.

However, if you decide that every situation involves something you created and that ultimately you are responsible for your own life, then you become the driver of your destiny. You will learn from your mistakes, take control, and steer your life in the direction you want to go in.

Good trying is when we don’t give up, we try, try and try again – and then most often we succeed. Bad ‘trying’ is when we repeatedly try to change or achieve something but don’t succeed. This sort of ‘trying’ can be exhausting; it’s a bit like running around in a circle and not getting anywhere. The effort required is draining and the stagnation is depressing.

One way to break free from trying is to consider that there actually is no such thing as ‘trying’. You might say, ‘What about when I’m lying on the sofa watching television? I’m not committed to anything then.’ Actually, that is exactly what you are committed to at that very moment: lying on the sofa watching television. And maybe that’s OK. Becoming aware of what we are committed to at any time can be a liberation in itself!

Reaction and impulse play a powerful and biologically important role in our lives but – just like an uncapped oil well – if misused, they can leave us feeling depleted, unsafe and full of regret.

When we react to a person or event we have taken the focus off them and what they are saying or doing and placed it on our own feelings.

Responding on the other hand is an action of choice, and one that creates opportunity and trustworthiness. When we respond, we focus solely on the situation or issue at hand. Unlike reacting we are not hurried, or in the moment, rather we take our time to consider the options, to look consciously at the situation before we reply.

Doubt is a debilitating and shadowy state. Born of fear, anxiety, insecurity or worry, excessive doubt places us on high alert for problems, missteps and attack. It’s almost like deliberately creating space for things to go wrong. The belief that there is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way for something to be or occur is often at the root of doubt.

Trust on the other hand is that magical word that evokes calm, peace and security. With it, relationships are stronger, workplaces are more productive and things can generally move faster, with more ease. The key to building this trust is confidence. We need to feel confident that the people (and processes) we are working with are reliable and safe. But even more importantly we need to trust ourselves, and that means being clear on our beliefs, values and purpose.

When we disrespect or invalidate someone, we do more than just disagree with them, we communicate to them that they or their feelings do not count in any way. The same applies when we don’t listen to ourselves or negate our feelings. Invalidation is insidious, often barely perceptible.

However, if we remove judgement then we can respect and recognise a person as an autonomous, unique, and free individual. It means that we value and acknowledge their right and capacity to make their own decisions. Self-respect is similar – it involves releasing judgement and allowing ourselves to be who we want to be and live how we want to live, free of judgement.

Bicycles can carry you from point A to point B. However, it’s the action of your legs that creates the motion.

Action or the very act of “getting into motion” is extremely powerful and is the catalyst used in coaching to create change. For many people even though they KNOW what they want, taking steps towards it can be difficult.

Action is the foundation needed to create change in our lives and move forward to achieve our goals. We can spend our entire lives dreaming, thinking, planning and preparing to accomplish our goals, but without action, those goals and dreams will never be attained.